megamaroo (marishi) wrote,

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I've been such a slacker lately ... incredibly slackerish. And, no, that is not said in the way most people do ... with the "OMG i've been such a slacker lately!" with an off-hand giggle and a devil-may-care sort of attitude. It's something that's really troubling me. And while I know the easy solution, just to kick myself in the ass and do something, I don't. (I won't say 'I can't' because I can ... because I'm capable ... I just won't.) I don't know where my motivation is. I really want a 4.0 this semester ... or as close to it as I can get, to make up for my crappy grades last semester. But it's just not there. I don't know where it's coming from ... but I'm trying to find my motivation ... inspiration ... whatever, to just resurface into life and actually give a shit.

I'm wondering if Spring Break will be my redemption. I'll have my room to myself because Kristina will be in school and hopefully not be cdoming home too often in order to see people because I think I could really use this time alone. I know I technically have my own room here, but being an RA means that at any moment there can (and probably will) be a knock on your door so you can help to fix someone's problem which they technically can and should probably fix themselves. There's always those walking down the hallway, talking and laughing, not caring that, for whatever reason, I just really want some freaking peace and quiet. But duh, that's to be expected. It's a residence hall ... people live there. And play there, etc.

I really want to get ahead and jump start on things for this week and possible get a little ahead. Or at least get completely on top of everything. I'll take a few things home and probably won't get around to it (unless it's African Politics, which is totally my favorite class ... and considering the fact I have a 15 page paper due in less than a month ...). But what I really feel like I want to do is to start working on a new book. I say book this time instead of story because for whatever reason I feel like 'stories' are a thing of the past for me. I'm not a creative writing major anymore. I haven't worked on anything in way too long ... and I wonder if that might be what's wrong with me a little bit. I was so sure I wanted to be a writer, and that's what I want to do and be, all through middle school, all through high school ... and now I'm a Political Science Major, History Minor, with very little to no direction in life. I feel inadequate ... and it's mostly (or at least partially) my own fault.

I have this image of who I want to be ... physically, at least. And like that is going to make everything all better. But I don't know ... I'm just a-waitin' for that bit of motivation to come trudging on along. ... and perhaps I'll have to go find it, instead of just sitting back, letting life pass me by, and go make something happen for myself.
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